The following pieces are from when I was having hard times. These videos (here, here and here) help to explain my cycle of seizures and tics. The descriptions are still true, but times are now a bit better - I think because I am a bit more mature. There is still room for lots of improvement in my medical treatments.
Seizure
Darkness
All enveloping
Swallow me whole in your
arms
Drowning in your
depths
Crying on your
shoulder
Holding me back
Throwing me to the
ground you possess me
Defrag my mind
Wipe the slate clean
Clear the decks
Ready for
reprogramming
Fuzzy buffers reality
like a mink coat wrapped head
Delays
Echoes
Sparkles of light peer
through the slits
Whispering words of
care blow away the shadows
Tears moisturise the
skin warming the soul
Contemplation
Rolling on the base
curve
Ready to start again
Propelling to even
greater heights.
(Written 7 July 2012, a week after a tonic-clonic seizure. No video available.)
Cycles
Thinking in the twilight place
Memories of a golden face
Enjoy the reality now we are there
Calm me
Take away the fear
Fighting time is almost nigh
Think give up while spirits high
Relax
Unwind my conscious reign
Let the twitch dance start again
(Written 14 July 2012, after the discussion of cyclic symptoms referred to in introduction. See video here.)
The findings of my reflections ...
Demons haunt, crying
their song.
Today is different. My
mind is singing a different tune.
The beat in my chest
is pounding the need to change directions.
No more wallowing in
the marshes of pity.
The struggle continues
but I near closer to its edge.
Each step is a
physical barrier,
quick sand in nature.
Tears of self
absorption are dried up,
making conservation of
body fluid
awaiting to be
transformed
into the sweat of
struggle.
The struggle is to be
happy with me.
I am getting wary over
the ease of falling into the pits along the way
but prepared to work
harsh criticisms into the ground.
(Written 21
August 2012, during the tic phase of Ben's cycle. See video here.)
Floating
Fighting through the
muddled mess of thoughts, images and colours that fog up my brain.
Momentary
reprieve from repeating patterns creates the illusion of near completion
only to submerge again
into the depths of this foreign land.
This had better not be
the new me,
but if it is I had
better master the skill of floating with purpose.
As without purpose,
floating is bodyless and unoccupied
like a sense distorted
robot.
Nothing usually lasts
this long without the refresh button being pressed.
If I stumble around
long enough maybe it will go off like an alarm
causing my real me to
jolt back to life.
(Written 30 October 2012, nine days after a tonic-clonic
seizure. See video here.)
Last month I turned twenty-one and had a whole lot of people over to my house for a party. We had food and drink and an African drummer and dancer. It was great.
My twin sister's party was in town and people dressed up as from the roaring twenties. I went and talked to an old friend of Sarah's.
I want to tell people that my sister is so very much a part of me. This is what I wrote for our birthday. Dad read it out at Sarah's party. It was written last year because we were no longer teenagers. (You can see videos of me working on it here and, with more information about support, here.)
Birthday
The first day born is never remembered but always celebrated.
The years that shortly follow are the most precious as they are the ones that shape us.
The thing I will always cherish is having another person with me for every one of those formative steps.
Although the steps look different, they are still steps shared.
Nothing bonds you to someone like sharing steps, sharing experiences, and most importantly sharing acceptance of our differences.
As we get older it changes, but deep in the heart it stays the same.
Some days I wonder what the future may bring, but I always think it will work out fine for as long as I have people who "get" me in my life.
There hasn't been the opportunity to say it with my voice but kind of hope that my actions have expressed my feelings adequately.
I have always loved to run. This has got me into trouble in the past when I got lost. This song says it all.
Running through the city with a plan on my
mind.
It’s been far too long since I’ve seen my kind.
The business man is singing, the city is
strained
at the pounding of the rhythm from my feet
through the drains.
(Chorus)
Speed is my friend
She is my friend.
I’ll love you to the end my
darling friend.
Lightning speed is the thought in my mind
When my body moves it keeps the thinking
aligned.
Feeling equilibrium’s the thing that I need
and it all comes down to that yearning for
speed.
Running to the sun are you nearly behind
as the yelling in the background drives me
totally blind
to the people on the sidewalk and the traffic
on the street
but the speed I’m feeling in me helps me
keeping the beat.
Don’t let me don’t let me scream the world down
as the lack of outer speed makes my inner world
drown
in the buzzing and the tension that is filling
my veins
gotta break it and release before they call me
insane.
Got to feel the water and the feeling of pain
the only things I feel that tell me I’m here
again
Sort of bouncing back to action onto the side
of the street
I”ve got to get my body back from pounding my
feet.
(Chorus)
Speed is my friend
She is my friend.
I’ll love you to the end my darling friend.
Written 14 May 2012
The next video explains why I use the word "equilibrium".
(Video taken during a session with composer Harley Mead on 9 June.
See below for partial transcripts of three sessions with Harley.)
I met Harley Mead in 2012. He used to teach music at my sister's school. Working with Harley was amazing. He listened to my thoughts and then he just played them. The best thing was that he understood. It would be great to hear this song recorded by a band in a studio. Here are transcripts of the three sessions I had with Harley.
Partial transcript of first session with composer, Harley Mead, 26 May 2012. (Not videotaped.)
Before Harley arrived:
Being decidedly
annoyed with these crappy tics. Really
have to get it together.
(Cathie asked Ben what he would like to work on
with Harley.)
What I want is help to
get the sound of the tune on paper so that other people can really know what
the idea sounds like.
(Ben was having a lot of trouble with tics and
anxiety.)
Try to get him to see
past this. Good to try to get some new
ideas. This one will be great.
With Harley
To me the nice thing
about music is the thing it does to your body. It helps me to get the control I need.
(Discussing the lyrics “Running through the
city …”)
This one is one of my
favourites. It’s like the rest about my
body wracking my brain.
(Harley asked whether Ben wanted the song to be
fast or slow.)
Fast of course.
(Listens to Harley on piano.)
The beat underneath
needs timing that is fast constant and pulsing like a beating heart that is
filled to the top with fear.
(Listens to Harley on piano.)
Yes you have the up
and down beat perfect.
The chorus then needs
silence or a long soft sound in the distance.
(Listens to Harley on piano.)
Cool chorus the thing
I want is not so many beats but you are close.
(Listens to Harley on piano.)
The sound for the bass
part should remind people of my stomping feet.
(Listens to Harley on piano.)
Hold the chorus beat
for twice as long.
(Listens to Harley on piano.)
Yes
Beat feet is not about
sound but is about the sound of the instrument.
The chorus and melody
are great. When you do the bass part make it sing like my feet.
Keep it the same as
before just different instrument. (Listens to Harley on piano.)
That’s what I want
I want to get pumping
rock and roll.
Thanks this has been
fantastic.
Partial transcript of second session with Harley Mead, 9 June 2012.
Before video starts:
Great to see you all. Ready.
(Listens to Harley on piano.)
The instruments really
need to be less busy. There are too many
notes on a piano.
Video (Listens to Harley on piano.)
The thumping bottom
layer stays with a time a bit slower than the top section.
(Listens to Harley on piano.)
Yes but less hopping
around just up and down like a fear filled heart.
(Listens to Harley on piano. Harley asks if another word could be substituted for "equilibrium", which is hard to fit to the melody.)
That’s good and I
think that it would sound better when played on different instruments.
They’ve got equilibrium in the science book ... (Ben walks to piano - which is very overdue for tuning! - and closes the lid.)
(See "Equilibrium" video above.)
They’ve got
equilibrium in the science books that talk about balance. Running gives me the
feeling that my body is together and in nice balance. It is the time that I
feel most in control probably to the disbelief of the onlooker. The word can be
changed but the meaning needs to stay true.
Video
How about we just work
on melody for a bit. My ears and head
are letting me down today.
(Listens from next room to Harley sing. Having difficulty with his "ears and head". Harley asks him to come back and say what he thinks, and promises "ten more minutes and I'll leave you alone".)
I like what we do.
Don’t think of it as annoying me.
The melody is great
but it might need to be lower in the verses.
Video
My voice would be low
and it would be prickly to the ears. It’s that sound I want for the verse.
The chorus needs to have the feeling of
relief in the voice.
(Harley demonstrates some different vocal effects. Cathie asks Ben if he can name a singer with the kind of voice he is describing.)
Leonard Cohen has a prickly
and low sound sometimes. (Harley sings a verse with a very low voice.)
That’s really fine. My
thoughts are that it’s still not dirty enough but I am just being picky.
That’s called creative
licence. (Harley asks if he can get a friend with a gravelly voice to help him.)
The gravel friend
would be great to hear. (Harley sings with a gravelly voice. Group discussion about artists with gravelly voice - Tom Waits is mentioned.)
(See video, below.)
(Harley sings a verse with a gravelly voice, and the chorus with a clear voice. He talks about the verse sounding very intense, and the chorus reflecting relief.)
Great voice. Yes, intense is me.
Good to get friends
involved.
The important thing is
to keep the message true which I know you will do. (Harley records what they have worked on so far.)
Perfect.
That’s it. You rock.
Every time it shifts
that little bit closer to the image in my head.
Thanks.
Partial transcript of third session with Harley Mead, 1 December 2012.
The chorus goes slow. Just long notes. It contrasts the lyrics in speed.
(Harley plays.)
The piano should not
dance in the chorus.
Harley: so you don’t like this? (Plays.)
The melody stays up
high but the notes go down for “speed is my friend”. It does not stay on the same one.
(Harley plays.)
Getting there. “Speed” and “is” are shorter notes. Syncopate.
(Harley plays.)
Not jumpy but shorter
as in notes not as long.
(Harley plays.)
Half notes not full
notes “speed is my” notes go faster. “Friend”
is longer. It is how you had it last
time.
(Harley plays.)
It is very close. The last part of the chorus goes perfect.
(Harley asks for yes/no. Ben withdraws. Harley plays)
I like how the start
of chorus went the last time you were here.
It’s what has been playing in my head.
But I think I could go for the last chorus being low, like you just did.
(Harley plays.)
Good. Do higher.
(Harley plays.)
Perfect.
(See video, below.)
How do you like the idea of the last chorus
being low like exhausted and satisfied.
(Harley asks what the song is called, so he can
label the recording.)
Not sure. Its my unnamed baby.
(Harley plays.)
Thanks Harley. It’s great.
That’s the backbone. Now she
needs dressing.
(Drums?) yes
(Base guitar?) yes
(electric guitar?) yes
(flute?) No
(more vocals) Yes
(On the chorus only?)
Chorus may need some
soft vocals in background.
(Harley: Like some “ahhs”)
Yes.
(One voice?)
Two in harmony
(Harley makes quip about earning money from the
song. Asks about harmony - going down or
going up?)
Think harmony can go down.
If you play my song in
a concert that is cool. But I expect
money.
Not sure but what do
you think of last verse being spoken?
I wrote this when I was ready to give the world away. There seriously seemed to be no future. The fact is that I was depressed. These feelings often occur when I have had seizures. The writing process helps me to get back to normal because the feelings that overpower me need to be let out.
Young
Greatly young, naive to some as he stumbles down the hallway with a look in his eye. Beating up himself for the trouble he caused did nothing but make him cry.
How many times must it feel like pain? In his heart you can see the strain. Styling to the feeling and the rhythm not the beat, Could he ever sense that feeling that he wasn't unique.
[Chorus] Varied in his thinking from the day he was born. Screening out emotions so he wouldn't get torn. Why can't he fly above the masses and be free? If only all the others could see.
Hold me close and squeeze me so the feeling starts again. In my thoughts there is only one last thing. Run against the pressure of the spasms in my head. Trying just to focus on the messages you've said.
See you around I'm feeling like I'm on the edge Of going down
[Chorus] Varied in his thinking from the day he was born. Screening out emotions so he wouldn't get torn. Why can't he fly above the masses and be free? If only all the others could see.
Written 7 May, 2012
In late May I saw a young girl in the park blowing bubbles. One blew into our window. This led to the following poem and its final lines:
Minute's Silence
Can we have a minute's silence for the silent in our world, trying hard not to be hurled toward the scrap heap in the rain. Will you take that minute's silence and try to understand why there's difference in our land that brings about pain. Handle with care but no need to stare or show the pity they don't need. Just be fearless, set them free. Ponder the existence in a bubble you can see. Nothing appears but things refine. Rainbows in the sunlight, they do shine.
In early 2012 Jane stopped work to go back to university and Bec had a baby. Then to make things even harder I had to learn to work with a new facilitator, Matthew Wilson.
Matt was very different at first, but our collaboration soon bloomed.
You need to understand that there has to be trust between the two people working together. You need to understand that I am really in control - that the words are mine - but with some facilitators it is easy to get the words out. Matt is one of those. I have found Matt to be the best facilitator so far.
The good thing about Matt is that he is a young male. This was the first time I had worked with a man near to my age. You need to have someone who you can talk to who will understand.
By the end of our first session I was able to key:
You can help please by making me do this work with you. Writing work puts my body under the worst stress but strangely soothes my mind.
Two weeks later I wrote my first song with Matt. The words were about how I was feeling at the time. This is what I wrote:
The Man
I’ve got the thoughts of the day floating through my mind,
building me up to be the man I want to be.
I’ve got the rays of the sun poking through the clouds,
teasing me to come outside and be the man I want to be.
The day has come, I want to run and feel and laugh that I am free.
Free to run and be the one that we all want to see.
How can some deny the plan, based on rumours that the man
Would not achieve these things.
Well here I am standing my stand.
See now, I’m free.
(Written 26 March 2012)
Then, very much to my surprise, the next song - "Flagship" - was put to music by Matt's brother Jono and the band "Banana Nightmare". The song was played on local radio and at a conference. These are my words for "Flagship" and below is Banana Nightmare's song of it with a slideshow put together by Jono.
Flagship
Hunger never takes its love away, never for a single day.
Haunting caverns of my mind, scaring me just what it finds.
So the flagship rolls on by, watching the days as children cry.
So the flagship rolls on in, watching the sinners sin.
Longing evenings alone on the rock, wishing that your golden boy talks.
The feature list is about to be played, for all the world to finally be dazed.
(Flagship chorus)
I want to gasp the cold air in my lungs, feeling the sense of songs to be sung.
Touch on my skin ain’t supposed to cause pain, but your touch does it again and again.
(Flagship chorus)
I wonder how the chore began, of making lights appear in sand.
Lighting the way for the damned trip, that life coined. The flagship.
(Written 23 April 2012)
Jono and Banana Nightmare also put together a demo tape of my next song, "Senses". They did not use all my words but I hope you still like it. These are the words I wrote and the shortened tape.
Senses
Green yellow red and blue,
the colours sneak past, the colours sneak through.
Trickling through the fingers, trickling through my hand,
trickling everywhere like liquid sand.
Pushing on my eyes I’m in control of my hands
to initiate the haze of the multicoloured bands.
Pushing on the edge of the feeling within,
try to stop the surge from making me spin.
(Chorus)
Watch out he said I’m losin’ my head. All the sense has gone - about to end up chrome.
Better move yourself out of the way ‘cos he’s losin’ it todayayay. I can feel my skin touching onto your hand
like a thousand jolts of power man you don’t understand.
I can feel the wind coming from a mile away
as I crash into it feeling like a manta ray.
The sky is a land based on the reflection of light -
a thousand different molecules playing round with my sight.
(Chorus)
Rumble in my body causing moving inner pain.
It’s enough to make the smartest on the block feel insane.
Got to move my body, got to move my feet,
Got to feel the rocking to the stomp of the beat
(Chorus) Really want the simple sounds to sing to my heart
But the sound in my head's just tearing me apart.
Dampen down the sound on its way through my ears
but it amplifies and it screeches, igniting my fears. (Chorus)
(Written 30 April 2013)
Having someone put my words to music meant a lot to me and I thank Jono and Steven. Check out their new band - "Fishing for Neutrinos".
In the time that I have been typing there has been an attack on Facilitated Communication Training (FCT). I have written in support of FCT and against the attackers. My writing is below.
Words written to be read at a gathering to celebrate 20 years of FCT in Queensland, 1992-2012 (Written December 2011)
I am optimistic that I will one day be a great writer of words that reflect the agony of whispered songs and hushed answers to pathetically easy questions. I am always wishful that the good people in my life will outweigh the angry. That they will have time for me and learn to facilitate. Only encouraging people should be allowed to work with me. The rest should be sacked because they waste my life.
Submission to International Society for Augmentative and Alternative Communication (ISAAC) committee to develop an official position statement on Facilitated Communication March 2013
For the
naysayers:
Wondering
if there is any point acknowledging your existence?
That is
what you do to me.
By doing
that you conveniently discount my voice.
If I refuse
to acknowledge you as having a legitimate voice, where does that leave us? It leaves
me in a much better place – not the subject of some uneducated witch hunt.
The way
forward is not about you or I proving that we are right.
I do want
change.
I do need
great minds working together to help me, not silence me.
What is to
be gained from painting a picture of someone as being non-thinking? I am unsure. To me it is unclear whether the naysayers have given this much thought.
Don’t begin
with the assumption that we operate and think in the same way. I get that,
so why can’t you? My
differences are pointed out to me frequently, but not considered when I can
achieve.
Rather than
considering how I achieve, your conversations focus on why I could not possibly -
refusing to listen to voices united in experience. These are
disallowed to inwards focus on your typical experience. This
appears to me as self-indulgent and self-centred.
It is time
to banish careers based on proving narrow-minded arguments. I have no room in my life for such people.
Response to news that support for FC has been withdrawn for two people under Queensland Government care April 2013
The people
who have no-one are the most easiest to destroy in society.
To destroy
someone is quite simple.You just make
them non human.
It is quite
easy to do.You just don’t listen, don’t
look, and don’t acknowledge potential for humanness.
To communicate
is to be human.
To stop
someone from being human is simply evil.
Why there
is outrage at ill treatment of animals but not when dehumanising people
confuses me.
Is it
ignorance? Is it a lack of understanding? Or is it an unknown for society?
The people
without supporters will slip into the unknown too easily, discarded into
non-humanness unless someone makes noise.
To remain
silent is difficult but it’s hard to make noise when so many are content
with
not looking, not listening, and not acknowledging.
More about physical support
The video with Jane in my last blog is over a year old. This one was taken in April of this year and shows me using even less support again.
I learned to key with Jane Remington-Gurney. She is my friend and helper. She helped me to learn how to work with her on the keyboard. I met Jane when I was very little (in 1996). She has tried to help me speak and then to use a keyboard. The good thing about typing is that it is a permanent record of your thoughts at a time of something happening. There is truth in the poetry I write. True words are sometimes hard to get out of my brain. When they scream really loud I have to get them out to the world. When I have thoughts I need to have someone ready to facilitate. I have to say that I owe everything to Jane. I started music therapy with Jane and Bec (Rebecca Eager) in my last year at school (2010). The music therapy helps me to find my body and to work on my songs. This is how it works: by giving me rhythm. Bec is a great therapist and I have also learned a lot about music from her. The drumming exercises are really good for me because I need to concentrate on the rhythm and which drum to hit all the time, while I am walking forward and backward. The start of my writing songs is thanks to Jane and Bec. Here are some songs that I wrote in music therapy with Jane and Bec.
Free thinking
I find calm in looking at pictures of nice places I have been
I think of the place and when I was there
Just think of the place and the time
Until you learn to have faith in yourself you will get nowhere.
Until you know yourself you will not know the things you need to stay calm.
I think that free thinking can set you free.
(January 2011)
Watch the video of me working on 'Free Thinking' here.
Wait for Me
Questions are freely drumming in my head
They sing and yell and wish me dead
Only answers are floating by, saying I am too clever to die.
So ask me questions and wait for me
to catch an answer floating by.
(May 2011)
Hope
Hope is for everyone
Hope is for me and you
Hope is what keeps us in the world and
Hope opens doors
Hope is like a river with energy to flow through life
Under the water is a spring of hope that will come to the surface when the time is right.
Hope is a river that runs through everyone’s life
but like the Murray it is dried unintentionally by ignorance.
The river will only burst its banks if dammed
so don’t damn hope.
The doors will be opened by the person who finds the key
hidden in the depths of the river of hope.
(December 2011)
Videos of me working on 'Hope' are here, here and here.
This is a picture of me in my room with a painting by artist Craig Roveta on my wall. Jane asked Craig to paint the picture for me, to illustrate my song "Hope".
Jane told me that Craig had said:
It had to reflect the depth of anxiety, so the darker colours are low bubbling away but the gold represents the hope coming through and surfacing in the end.
Craig has ASD as well. His strength is art. Mine is words. The picture adds to the song and helps other people to understand.
About Physical Support
In the videos I am wanting to get my words out quickly to the reader, so I needed a lot of support. Now I need less. This is a link to a video of me working with Jane but using much less support.
The Brotherhood of the Wordless is a group of people who have no voice except through typing. The Brotherhood is good because we get to think and talk about a range of things. The leadership given by David makes us all think about new stuff.
(Items written at meetings. Some of these have been included in performances and published in books by the Brotherhood.)
21
July 2010: Responding to stimulus
questions from David Stavenger (Ghostboy)
David: Think of two times during the day: The moment you open your eyes and wake up and
the moment you close your eyes.
I am amazed at the sense of being alive. I feel grateful that I am alive and well.
At night I feel grateful. I wish that I feel good for the next day.
David:
Think of one of the most significant events or days of your life. Create a photo of it in words. Place us there.
KirraBeach Walking on the beach
I felt totally free and liberated I wanted to do this for the rest of my life It was the wind blowing the waves It was the sun sparkling on the water I loved the water on my feet The smell of the salt water The wind makes me feel carried away from my body I am just getting the hang of it.
David: If you could have a sixth sense – any special
sense – no limits. What special gift do you have/would you like to have? What would you do with it? How does it make
the world different for you, now that you have it?
I can tell the best and worst people on this earth.
The feelings that I have inside me are never wrong.
The way that people look at me is enough
to get me going into a special openness
that clings to me after they have gone.
The thinking that my brain does inside my head is
much more than you or anyone could imagine.
20
October 2010: Responding to stimulus questions from David Stavenger
(Ghostboy)
David: Write the story of the lines of your hands,
as if your lines are talking.
When I put my hands in my pocket they are hiding from
the world.
David: What does it feel like to be a hand gripping
something?
I might open the door to its secret by listening to
how it feels in my hand.
David: Get your mouth to describe what its like to
taste
It tastes new things all the time. It feels soft and sweet. The watering of the taste buds melt the
cake. Then it disappears and nothing is
left.
17
NOVEMBER 2010: Responding to stimulus questions from David Stavenger
(Ghostboy)
David: What is the first thing you see when you shut
your eyes?
I want to provide light because I don’t like the
dark.
David: Finish the sentence as many times as you
can. “In the dark …. “
In the dark I feel scared because there is no light
on me. In the dark I hear noises.
In the dark I see myself as a monster. In the dark I feel terrified of myself.
David:
You have fallen down a well. You are at
the bottom of the well. Describe what
you can see. How does it feel?
It is dark.
Dark and dangerous. When I look around I see nothing. When I look up I see a glimmer of light. I have been stuck down here all my life. I want to get out.
David:
You try to get out of the well. How
would it happen? Do you make it?
I can climb out of the well.
The well is not real. The well is my mind. I need to think positively and ambitiously To seek that glimmer of light I can do it.
Poems written in 2011 for Cabaret performance, 1
December 2011, in the Sandgate Town Hall.
Jazz Music
When I hear the swinging rhythm of jazz music
I am allowed to speak with my feet. I can move to the quavers and feel the rhythm in my dancing feet.
I see the women you dance so free The sun warms me all over. I am drifting in the sea of music and feel alive.
I prefer to dance with my fingers on the keyboard.
The music makes my fingers move.
The music sings from my fingers.
The music in my fingers talks to others.
I move all over the keyboard.
I jump and slide from letter to letter.
That is my favourite dance.
18 April 2012: Responding to stimulus questions from David Stavenger
(Ghostboy)
David: Write a classified ad – as if you are selling
something.
For Sale:
Overused body. Wrinkled flabby
guts going two for the price of one.
Slightly dysfunctional voice screeching guaranteed. Sloshy bowels not for the faint hearted. Disconcerting views provided on request.
David: Create a scenario - 3 different elements: a thief, a tramp, a shopping centre.
Crash! The shop gates smashed. “This is my
territory” squealed a smelly dishevelled man.
A bit shocked and
perplexed by the interruption to his midnight raid, he stood silently bemused.
“So what you
gonna do to make me, hey?”
With one foul
swoop the tramp uncovered his mountain of worldly possessions in the
corner. The stench wafted through the
shopping centre like a ripe exotic cheese.
“My store, my
space. Any take over requires that you
face the stench!”
The midnight raider chuckled on the inside. Little
does he know about my nose …..
... To Be Continued
David: Look
around the room and pick one person. Don't name them but describe them so others can work out who it is. Think of their Shape, Colour, smell, hair, sex,
mannerisms.
Character
description Unshaven, young,
vigilant, softly loving.
